The One That Got Away

I'm the girl with the broken smile
who's lost in the dark
give up on the light

as long as something is happening
I'm fine
hidden in what I'm doing

but alone in my room
everything spreads out
and I collapse

maybe its the best
if I never rest
instead keep working

maybe one day
I'll become

So This Is Goodbye

You yelled for me to open up
and when I did
you yelled at me again

I think i'll become the girl
with no real friends
who goes through life a ghost
just waiting to get out

into two years time
I can leave
and never come back

the good that's here
is no longer enough
to keep me here

Although I Never Will

it was unfair of me to trust you
and tell you of my woe
maybe it'd be best
if we just stopped

fall into our separate paths
and stay that way
at least for now
till we're better

its for the best
if we let history repeat
and you forget

For All Of Us

Who do I turn too
everyone is too important
to risk losing
by opening up too

I guess I'll sit here
and cry
and write
as I shake so hard

I'm a branded girl
but I cant quite life as a whole
I must push through
maybe it'll be better to be alone

where no one yells at me
or gives their opinion
on things out of control

"Strong"

be nice to everyone
even those you hate
its called growing up
not being fake

all the kindness
real or not
is blended together
in one big mascaraed

if I don't hold it all together
then everything falls apart
if I didn't
I'd be the girl you cries

at everything
and that's no expectable
I have to stay strong

So You Left

the minute you get close
you lose them
its inevitable
without fail
I called it

this is what I feared
yet I let my walls drop
opened up
and now this happened

lesson learned
don't open up
not if you care
about who you're talking to

I know it wasn't fair
for me to do
but I needed to

Not Now

I want your help
I want to run to you
but I can not
we are fighting

what am I supposed to do
where do I turn
I might as well give up
for tears stain this page

I've been getting better
I promise, I've tried
yet still you back away
did I do something

as the pain on all sides build
I've become better at hiding it
but not this

My Heart

My heart beats fast
I fear it might stop
I lose my strength

breathing  becomes hard
the need to eat disappears
and I shake

a joy returns
as we sprint about
indulge in things unfit

even now I smile
reflecting upon our time
with pressure off

it all disappears

The Hardest Place To Go

when the thought of you coming home
and I having to face you
reduces me to tears

I lose all vision
and stop breathing
start to shake

a thin veil covers all
making it hard to smile
but I want to fight back

I'm ready to be ok
but where do I begin
at the beginning

This Is For You

This is for you
the hung and shoulder to cry on
my unwanted shrink

this is for you
who I'd be lost without
you'd stuck with me the each day

this is for you
who doesn't' know
what you mean to me

this is for you
in case you ever read this
then know

what words can never say

Life's Outlook #3

I don't want to date
not do I want to lose you
but the latter seems easier
when compared to the former

each time I've said no
and you understand why
maybe the next time
I'd say yes

as new guys
fall in line
maybe it would be best
to pick the one I know

this is all so new
although many come
I have not seen first light
nor do I think I want to

Life's Outlook #2

a part of the inside
expressed in a simple word
the same as a poem
penned in purple ink

maybe the story
hidden behind the tears
matches the one
buried within my heart

I wasn't sure
if you know
what other people thought
but you do

the weight pulls you down
so you over compensate
increasing the problem
I wish I could help

so meet me there
in indonesia

Life's Outlooks #1

I wish to know why you cry
and find a way to make it stop
although many tears I shed myself
I hope you'll open up to me

if only I could see
life as it is through your eyes
feel the sorrow within your heart
and see that ours is one

although suffering paints your face
hope shines through your eyes
if I was the one to spark it let me know
so I don't let it die

whether the day is filled with sorrow
and the night teems with love
let me hold your hand
and I'll be by your side

Sweet Dreams

as I slept in your bed last night
and curled up against the pillow
I wondered if this is what its like
to fall asleep happy

no tears dripped down my cheeks
no bitter words stung my ears
instead the ticking of clocks
lulled me to sleep

no terrors invaded my dreams
and an hour stollen
better sleep is hard to find

warm food filled my belly
and more packed up for later
never has this kindness been given to me

I know this happiness is temporary
so I will savor it
until the moment ends

The Ghost

You, the hero of my dreams
now fills the night with terror
stealing my precious sleep

although I found peace
within you ethereal grasp
I now retreat to the light

I dare not close an eye
in fear of your return
yet still I must

each night I wish
and never see

My Cat

Many suitors fight for my hand
but I have a favorite
one who loves me indefinitely

he has a lean athletic figure
with pale blue eyes
and thick black hair

he asks nothing in return
and doesn't say much
he's incredibly loyal

he's so affectionate
regardless of my mood or attire
and can always pick me back up

he keeps me warm at night
and his antics make me smile
but who is this prince charming?

Breath In

Today you did that thing
when you get rallied up and yell
I'm glad I wasn't on the receiving end

today the sun kissed the earth
and children flocked to the park
it was a good day to awaken to

had warm fragrant coffee
and cool frozen yogurt
chit chatted with my mother

the brighter side showed for me
and indulged in life's little pleasures

In To Reality

I can feel so heavy and dark
or too light to comprehend
but I want to find the middle
the happy pensive girl I used to know

every corner I turn to
holds the shadows of my past
somewhere holds the starshine
if only I knew where to look

here within these pages
penned in violet ink
I can smile while I'm alone
and maybe one day it will pass back

I Have a Bad Poker Face

every step I take
I slip and fall back down
I'm not perfect
every time I pull myself up
you go and push me down

I don't want to be like this
the sad melancholy girl
whit an empty heart
I haven't' forgotten the light
just remembered the darkness

there will be that moment
when the time is right
for me to find someone
but that doesn't mean you can't
and I'll do all I can to support

I can get through this
with your help
but I need you to stop shoving
and help me up
to a brighter me

life isn't about the cards you're given
but how you play them
each has its own purpose
all in their times
but let's admit

Unquie

all trying to be different
but still the same
lying to yourself
in order to fit in

but to break the status quo
and be your own person
the sooner the better

be who you want to be
and nothing less
achieve your dreams

look to the bright side
but remember the dark
both always there

Little Advice

a new outlook
something different
any fresh start

become the coffee bean
instead of an egg
change my own future

past, present, and future
all under my control

if something isn't right
then fix it
and made it work

Never Wasted

a simple action
and a quick conversation
and my views changed

maybe you aren't as bad
as I always dreamed

Before the Begining

All dolled up
hair down in curls
and black touched in red

camera flashes
and curling irons
long black dresses

for that moment in time
we were happy
and I smiled

Listen

you never know
the story
hidden within

an apology
for the past
a promise

for the future
to understand
and act in kindness

regardless of the pat
a happy present
and a bright future

a challenge

Happiness

some people wear their scars on the outside
others hid within
but each feel the pain

as the physical ones heal
the mental ones will as well
in their own times

step about and guild
let others follow behind
and one day win the prize

Advice for the Fighter

I walk upon the clouds
to avoid touching the ground
where weakness lays

in order to find cloud nine
you have to let go
and fly to new beginnings

although I'm well grounded
and support waits around the corner
I don't want to lean upon another

build something out of nothing
and play the hand you're dealt

Sorrow

my constant lover
slyer  then my shadow
a constant embrace

although with him I see others
making them all jealous
for my attention

I try to stop him
from consuming all
each day a new battle

his valediction words creep in
and aide in my suffering
we dance

this constant game we play
flirting with despair

Emotional Catharsis

when done at will
they clear my mind
but at force
they become a lite cannon

all though it forms relationships
and are supposed to ease pain
the impingement of my mind
always pulls me down

sometimes I hope to disconnect
and start anew
but for now
it follows me everywhere

Bitter Sweet

I wish the knoll would sing for you
and reunited you with your father
finally breathing clean air

your piano playing
could consume the melody
in every thunder storm

if the bell tolls for you
then I could return home
and plant your potted rose

all though I refuse to ring your bell
perhaps I'll move it along
so that the sun may shine

Math/ Science Love Poem

A compass
two come together
to form perfection

Pie
something natural and irrational
it exists without reason

all apart they might react
and never find he desired product
together gold procured

each element astray
no bonds formed
combined ironically

Been There Donne That

Sometimes I wonder
what it would be like
to see the world in black and white

where everything is clean and simple
and to be without care
inferior knowledge became a norm

instead the world spins in color
as my mind expands
and every shade muddies

smooth rainy glass flecked with coral
perfection trapped in smog
occasionally shining through

My Heart Breaks

smitten by your love
enthralled in your embrace
you command me to live forever

I've been pulled into thick endless love
out of the ethereal world
only you fill my vision

the furious passion in your eyes
impel me to work harder
to keep you appeased

when you turn away
I always smile damply
wondering if you'll return

A Smile

in and out of existence
here and there in a blink
the space between a beat

in this void, the birth place of all
good and bad blossom there
the void in all of us

although created pure and whole
love splitters and melds with hate
creating desire, jealousy and passion

every beating heart
must fill with something from within
fain pick the right

a single clover
I give to you
to aid you in your ways

From The Girl You Love

what does the sun look like
through your eyes
how do you see the world

mabe hunger and sorrow
tinges the light
and force you to crave the moon

or perhaps love embraces you
and the sight of the sun causes your heart to flutter
in anticipation for the day to come

around the world
regardless of race or wealth
the sun shines down

next time the sun graces your brow
consider it a kiss

Behind My Eyes

I'm tired
Of the pain
of crying
of all the attention

I wish I could start over
but then I'd lose you
is it worth it?
I hope not

although I've lost the will to smile
and I'm never without pain
you are to important
for me to turn away

You My Dear

I don't understand
What's going on
Am I pulling back?
As you step away?

We haven't talked,
Really talked
About you
In forever

This isn't what I want
This emptiness
Its all consuming
and I'm

Scared

Breathing

Without warning
Faster than a blink
I stop

Completely shut down
gasping for breath
Writhing in pain

At first I can hide it
Hold it in
Then it breaks free

Every rib sore
Each moment in misery
I can't breath

The scariest feeling
Beyond comprehension
Life slipping away

But then it ends
Abate only for a moment
And I carry on

Hurried questions
Thrown from around
Asking if I'm ok

And I smile
Because I am.

Behind My Eyes

I'm tired
Of the Pain
Of crying
Of all the attention

I wish I could start over
But then I'd lose you
Is it worth it?
I hope not

Although I've lost the will to smile
And I'm never without pain
You're to important
For me to turn away.

You My Dear

I don't understand
Whats going on
Am I pulling back
As you step out?

We don't talk anymore
Really talked
About you in forever

Its become about me
Holding me up?
What about you?
How are you?

This isn't what I want
This emptiness
Its all consuming
and I'm

Scared

Madame

Laced in spots
And spotted lace
Teetering in the air

Hair piled high
Decked in feathers
And bright eggs adorned

Voice, false, dripping
A painted mask
Altering to your presence

All fake
Trying to hard
To gain his attention

Enough

Penny Addition

Blood, Bitter in my mouth
As I bite my tongue
To hold back hateful words, spills

My rate warranted
Led by your coquettish ways
That break shaken ground

No beauty you posses
Nor great intellect
But you were simple

And he alone

Peacock

If I didn't love you
My dear
Then I would hate you

An opinion always expressed
But never in due time
Always out of place

Your thoughts and actions contradict
With a poor self image
And a mismatched personality

For every flaw I raise
And many more not said
Thousand praises wait

forever shining

Knave of Hearts

Everyone finds the place
That they call home
Surrounded by the things they love

But not him
He flits between groups
Not knowing where to land

Like a bee
Pestering everyone
While looking for something sweet

If he were to pick a flower
A passion; a love
And fly less

Maybe he'd be calmer
In his hive
Shared by others

To Be Healthy

Although pain rips through my body
Each breath a battle
I will not bat an eye

My spine contorts itself
Eight years of freedom
I was given, lost in time

Born into the smoke
I've never breathed clean air
Instead chocked down black

Emotional abuse
Inflicted upon me
Deep into my bones

But love and music
Hide all this
So I can pretend

Hidden Behind

loud music
a forced smile
and an absence of emotion

bright clothing
warmth and understanding
every written word

My Family

a beloved engineer, long since past
the stay at home mom with an abusive attitude
a little boy goofing off to hide his sorrow
the teen, fighting the world with a fake smile
and an unborn twin and a lost brother